felt the need to post here as I need a private space to rant.
&this is a pretty short post [or not], because I have so many things jumbled in my head.
so I dont know what to do.

back to my point. I need a private space to rant.
Because?
Because I know that people wont read the blog since my original blog is back.
Yes, I un-deleted it(:
Because I dont see the reason as to why I should conform to what they want.
in other words, Fuck you Bitches. I dont care.
:D

to my next point, Iamfuckingstressedlikeverydamneffingstress.
FUCK.
so many things to complete. [look at my normal blog to find out more]
plus, Im feeling alot more angsty now.
Why?
Because my internet was being a bitch, not loading my sites &it frustrated the hell out of me.
&also, the various projects.
&also, I am not going for tomorrow's Cambodia briefing.
argh.
&I have my weekends packed. &I cant do a single thing for my projects.
FUCKFUCK.
okay. end of rant :D

&some things that I really must blog about.

went to some site to put up 'advertisements' of myself, because I am looking for part-time jobs.
Uploaded my picture too.
&I put my ads under the category of 'Tutoring' and 'Office Jobs', hoping to get replies.
&End up, I have people asking me for massage, asking me to be something similar to Female escort. Emails asking for photoshoot, being a nanny, etc.
&One even more ridiculous, a guy telling me that I resemble his friend that died 3years ago.

So now, I am deliberating if I should 'remove myself' from the job-dvertising site.
but I need a part time job ):
HOW?!

2ND month together♥(:

and just yesterday, had an argument w Boyf.
Not really an argument where both of us were screaming our heads off.
But more like I made him angry, &he was doing all the scolding.
&the reason for the arguement?
Because I kept my problems to myself, &told him nothing happened. &He claims that I lied to him when something did happen.

I keep emotional problems to myself out of habit.
I have been doing that for years, which is I I'm unable to properly voice out how I feel.
'Keeping to myself', he finds that I am trying to avoid him, not wanting to let him know what happened.
But the truth is, I didnt want him to worry. Thus I kept quiet.
End up, he flared up.
I understand that he cares, which is why he got angry.
So even though I meant no harm, I was in the wrong.
&everything is my fault.
Seriously, I need to reflect on myself.

&he mentioned that he was 'sick &tired' of guessing what I am up to, &also of my 'games'.
&that he was very repulsed by all my 'nothing happened& neverminds'


Note to self - Reaching the limit. In the process of breaking down.

Playing Chess or Me?
I totally lost count of the times when you picked Chess over me.
Seriously, do you even care?

Oh, &money.
My dear, money is not everything.
So please, try to understand that.

aint blogging as much than compared to previously.
but dont worry, I will never abandon my blog(:

Loadsa things on my mind lately.
mostly Relationship, &School.
argh. Fucked up life is seriously screwing with me &playing tricks on me.

Relationship
'ILoveYou' these three words are sacred in the language of Love.
But now, you can hear iloveyou's everywhere, it's being hurled at each other so easily.
As for me, those three words can be seen in majority of mt smses.
But if you want me to say it to you straight in the face, It's abit hard.
For me, I wont go telling my Boyf that I love him, unless he says it first.
I know that I love him, but saying it out is still a struggle for me.
Seriously need to learn how to say those 3words properly.

School.
OH, FUCK IT.
School has been terrible since the first day, it still is now.
So looking forward to holidays, which is like in March.
DANG.
&ponned two days of lesson this week alr, my attendance is really sucky now.
But I just cant stand going to school anymore.
The place that I used to love most, Now I hate it.

The reason why I am so hung up on this is because I actually made an effort for school this time.
In the past, I was myself.
I mean the side of me that was loud, fierce &straightforward.
That is the first impression you'll have of me.
&That is also the real me, I just cant stay still nor keep quiet.
But that 'ME' is hated by many people.
Being loud &fierce is not a good way to make friends.

Which is why I decided to change when I entered poly.
New school, New friends, New beginnings.
So I toned down alot, &kept my mouth shut.
&yes, I began to have friends.

&fuck, now I am being hated by my class.
Despite my changes, I still get this kind of attitude at the end of the day.
Lesson learnt - Dont ever change for anyone. It's not worth it.

Note to self: Falling apart soon. Very soon.

Was thinking about the stages of having a relationship.
What's the thrill/fun in having a relationship?
The answer; is giving up your first kiss/hug, your first experiences to the person you love.
The first kiss shared between a couple is usually the most magical.
It should be romantic, &it should be 'perfect'.
It should take some time before the first kiss is given.

The perfect relationship; in stages:
First 3months - Holding hands
Fourth month - Hugging
Fifth month - First kiss
Fifth month onwards - Subsequent kisses on the cheek/forehead/lips
Eight month - French Kiss
After a year, feel free to do anything.
&last long together(:
Nothing sexual though.
Sex SHOULD NOT even be included.

The relationship everyone has nowadays; in stages:
First month - Hold hands + kissing + french kiss + heavy petting
&after that, Sex.
&then, breakup.
that's the typical relationship teens have nowadays.
Pathetic.

anw, Valentine's coming♥

still deliberating on some stuff.
Whether I should continue having readers for this blog.
fuckit.

&I think me and my school clique have no more chance on being together.
She posted a picture with all of us together.
cant find me?
I'm the one that is covered by the redhorse.
this picture is screenshot-ed from her blog.
This just shows that I have no more chance to be forgiven/accepted.
I hate this.

awesomely cute :D
found it on tumblr. really beginning to appreciate the simplicity of tumblr.
Minimal words, and a picture. The perfect post.

Came up with a conclusion. Despite having a few readers, I doubt any of them will take the effort to remember my URL + password.
It's such a hassle, I understand.
Even my Boyf is not putting in any effort to memorize these info.

-deleted this whole chunk of post-
deleted my whole chunk of ranting.
I realized that comparing my Boyf with my ex is totally pointless.
afterall, I should be treasuring my Boyf instead of thinking about the past.
Boyf, I ♥ you(:

oh, and I realized when all the 'class drama' started for me.
1st JAN; they were bitching at their own countdown party.
&to think that I hope 2010 will be a better year, I was wrong.
Dead wrong.

Realized that this blog will be posted with sad + depressing + ranting posts most of the time.
It has always been like this.
My life, filling up with the various setbacks and depressed moments.
These moments are always more than the happy memories that I'll ever have.
&since these blog is private &I hope that it'll remain private;
I'll come clean.

'Contemplating suicide' pops into my head more and more frequently over the years.
'Becoming more and more depressed' is what happened to me over these period.
'Being able to hide my emotions well' is what I have learnt, &eventually mastered.
'Giving advices& not wanting others to end up like me' is what I have been doing. As I know that it is really terrible to be in the state that I am in right now.
'Cutting myself' is a habit. A habit that I have tried quitting for years. But till now, I am still unable to kick that habit. Resulting in the ugly scars that I have.
'Not giving up' is what I am desperately trying to do as it is really difficult. What I am left with now are my juniors + secondary school friends + boyf.
If any of those leave me, I will fall apart. I will.
'Trying to hold on' because I do not wish to disappoint my friends& boyf. They need me as well as I need them. It's an inter-dependable relationship whereby it must be kept balanced at all times.
'Staying alive' is tedious. It is very difficult.
'Falling apart' is something I do not want to let it happen.
'Breathing' is the only thing left to do.

Second week of school, &yes. It still sucks.
Really do hope that things will brighten up soon.
Am going to enter a state of Depression anytime now..

This week is going to be stressful.
Tuesday - DPVA
Wednesday - WP due
Thursday - IDEAS presentation + NW test
Friday - IVP discussion

happystuff; Met up with Boyf on Sunday :D
&visited Felicia before that(:
played pool with Boyf, cant wait to do it again.
will be meeting him tomorrow too :DD

Note to self - Get a grip. Everything is falling apart.

SCHOOL SUCKS.
today is the last day of the first week of school.
and for people who know, I got kicked out of my clique.
&now, I am going to rant.
*April and *May, both in my clique. [*not their real names]
April is more or less the 'leader' of the clique, with a feisty temper and really straightforward.
May is the one that is really close to April.
at the start of school, May screwed up real badly due to her attitude and her behaviour.
April hated her, &bitched about her to the whole class.
But slowly, things went well with them &now they are like best friends.
And now, due to a project in school, the whole clique started avoiding me.

The reason? Because of April and May.
April felt guilty after a few days, &we are on talking terms now.
But May is the ultimate Bitch.
May told me that the clique thinks that I have a big ego, because of my blog.
My reasoning; it's MY fucking blog. what I post, has nothing to do with you.
May told me, nobody likes what you post on your blog. &you should not blog anymore as it is disgusting. &nobody cares about what others think about you, so you dont have to copy &paste your stuff for us.
My reasoning; once again, it's MY blog. If you dont care, DONT READ. if my blog makes you so damn unhappy, DONT READ. &I write for myself, not for your fucking viewing pleasure. If you want pleasure, go fuck yourselves.
May told me that the whole class thinks that I have a big ego &says, 'If you think you're pretty/slim/attractive, you are not. You are not good looking, not skinny. In fact, you are fat. So stop trying to act as if you are attractive.'
My reasoning; HELLO?! when the fuck did I even say I am pretty/slim/attractive? &If I were to think that I'm skinny, you'll be seeing me in shorts shorts or mini dresses. But I dont wear any of those. &why? because I know that I'm ugly &fat. That's why. SO STOP WORDS INTO MY MOUTH &ASSUME LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.
May also said that I never helped her when April bitched about her. I never helped her, so now, it's my retribution.
My reasoning; FUCK YOU BITCH. everyone knows not to defy April, which is why I never dared voice out. &also, there are 2other girls in our clique. they were the one that bitched about you too, not me. I kept my mouth shut. I dont see you scolding those 2girls, right? So what fucked up retribution is that? You tell me that you aint petty, but what the fuck are you doing now? Revenge? aint that petty enough? Seriously, if you are not going to help, STOP MAKING LIFE HELL FOR ME. April never kicked you out of the clique, so why is it that I got kicked out now?
May told me that I will never get accepted unless 'they find a reason to forgive my sorry ass'
My reasoning; their forgiveness? they HAVE forgived me. you are the one acting pathetic and crying in front of them saying I've bring you so much pain. Bitch, when you screw up, you think we forgave you? April was the one that forgave you, not us. and, bringing you pain? I never bitched about you okay?! April bitched about you hell loads, I dont see you giving her a dressing down right?! &now I'm hated by everyone, YOU HAPPY YET? &crying, saying that I never helped you, so you dont see why you should forgive me? HELLO. are you 3years old? Seriously, you told me to I'll have to deal with people when the time comes. but you are the one that's not dealing with anyone. My apology letters, is for everyone. Not only for you, for EVERYONE. So what makes you think that your decision to reject me can overwrite theirs? FUCK YOU BITCH, FUCK YOU.

May cursed &swore at me that time, telling me all my flaws. All I did was to say I'm sorry &I'll change. I never retaliated, I never scolded her back. I accepted what she said. All the above of my reasonings, I never told it to her. Because I didnt want to make matters worse for myself. But now, I am dying.
Because of this, I'm dying.

I am afraid to go to school,
I am afraid of school,
I am a porn star,
I am afraid of my class,
I am afraid of them.

I used to love school, &it was the only thing I looked forward to everyday.
But now, things are seriously fucked up.
&I really wish to quit school.
if things dont clear up soon, my next 2years in school will be hell.
&if I were to stay in hell for the next 2years,
I would very much like to go commit suicide instead.

HELLO.
Christina; Private Blog.

Please keep my blog's identity a secret.
Much appreciated♥

If you wished to be link, text me :D

January 2010

Designer: WENXIN:D
Codes: %PURPUR.black-
[codes edited]